A letter to the me I was 2 years ago

Often times I look back to see how far I've come in almost 2 years. I mean, I went from an immature 12 year old who wore sketchers and watched ICarly to a slightly less immature, almost 14 year old who has had to grow up way too fast. I wish I would've had a little more time to enjoy being a child before doctors appointments, surgeries, life or death decisions, and chronic pain came into play, but it didn't work out that way. When I was first diagnosed my head was spinning. It's safe to say that I was kind of a wreck; my whole former life that I had loved for 12 years was ripped away and replaced with this never-ending hell. Sometimes I find myself writing letters to the girl I was 2 years ago, the girl who was just entering into this journey, to myself. Well if I could write a letter to the me of the past it would go something like this:

                                      Dear Me,

             Hi, it's you. I know this is a little strange, you writing you a letter 2 years in the future, but I thought it would be helpful considering whats about to happen in a few months. Here is your survival guide because trust me hun, you'll need it.
     Your former life is about to be ripped away and replaced with something that's not familiar and scary. The cracks and crevices of the foundation you once boldly stepped on is about to be shattered to pieces and everything is going to change. I know how much you fear change and the unknown, and walking into a fight blind and deaf is scary, but I promise it's going to be okay. Learn to accept the changes instead of fighting for constant control. Rather than trying to lean on your strength alone, learn to lean on Jesus' strength. Trust me, it's going to be hard, and I know you don't trust easily and you try so hard not to get attached, but learn to plant your roots in the right things and tear down the walls you confined yourself to. Learn to accept change. I promise you'll be glad you did. 
Your head is spinning right now. "what ifs" and "maybe if we did this sooner" or "what the heck is going on" is running through your brain. I know you don't understand any of this, but you will. You will become a doctor/pharmacist without a diploma soon, and you're going to have to grow up so fast. It's not going to be fair and I would be lying if I said it would be easy. Frankly, it's going to really suck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are so young. I'm sorry you couldn't get to do more before it was all taken away. I'm sorry you're so scared and you're so alone. I'm sorry nobody understands. I'm sorry life has become so complicated. I'm sorry you're so confused. I'm so, so sorry. 

If I could I would probably hug you really tight right now and say it all gets better, but it gets worse before it gets remotely better. What seemed like a pulled muscle escalates to a week in the hospital where you almost die, countless shots, doctors, procedures, scans, and 12 different diagnosis - 6 of which are different types of chronic pain in your legs, hips, knees, and back. Stop blaming yourself for not seeking help when your leg first started hurting, nothing would've changed or helped. Actually, if you could stop beating yourself up for every crappy thing that happens in the world, then that would be great. A tsunami can't be your fault just like your blood and immune system's inability to do anything right isn't your fault.
Be patient. Please be patient. People are going to make some pretty ignorant and rude comments to you, learn to ignore them. They don't understand. When someone says that you're taking your pain medication for a fix or it's all in your head and it's no big deal then train yourself to forget them rather than engaging in conflict. People won't understand what they can't see and they don't understand teenag

e chronic illness, that's not their fault. Rather than getting hurt or angry, educate or ignore. Don't engage. Also, when he purposely kicks your leg to see what happens when you're over at his house and you fall on the ground in extreme pain, stop being so nice and please punch him or something. Okay, you probably shouldn't punch him, but rather than laying their and accepting that, do something. I wouldn't cuss him out or break his tibia or anything (unless you want to, in which i'm totally okay with) rather explain to him in a loving way. Stop constantly letting people run you over. You are so much better than that. I know you had to be in bed for a week because of it and you had a major pain flare, but don't stay upset. Perhaps, I wouldn't hang out with him much more though. 
I know you feel like God has completely abandoned you and went mute but, I promise He didn't. Stop putting on masks and detaching from the world and God, and learn to break down your walls. It's only when the walls are down and the rubble is visible, that God can rebuild you in Him. Start seeking God rather than other useless things.
Also learn to remove toxic relationships, but that doesn't mean remove everyone for your life. Choose wisely. 
Oh, and if you could pace yourself that would be great because the future me or you of tomorrow or next week is paying for your stubbornness. Rather than thinking ten steps ahead, learn to focus on the step right in front of you. I know there seems to be no hope and you can't walk right now, but I promise that one day you will feel the earth beneath your feet. You will walk on stage again. You will feel sand between your toes and grass tickle your feet. You will walk. Just pace yourself before you get yourself killed. I know that walking had gone from the easiest thing in the world to the most difficult, and I wish I could say walking gets easier, but it doesn't. Every step you take will be so hard and wondering how much pain this single step will hold, but you will do it again. The moment you walk out of pt holding your crutches in your hands rather than under your arms your mother will cry and you will be in shock that something you couldn't do for a year is now possible, and it will be the best moment of your life. Hold on to it.
Always remember to enjoy each moment you have on earth because it may not be going how you planned, but it can still be treasured and enjoyed. Remember that it's going exactly how God wants and that's most important. Always remember to keep your eyes focused on God, live each day like it's your last, and appreciate the place you're at because it could always get worse.
Always keep in mind that you don't always have to be strong. Stop constantly pushing down your feelings because all it does it make it worse. Pretty soon that smile you have to cover up how you feel, will fade. Don't be upset about this. Learn to accept that not all moments have to be happy. You have permission to be human, your feelings are valid. When she says, "I thought you were strong." remember that 1) she has no idea what she's talking about and 2) it's okay to show weakness, it means you're human. Crying is okay. Being angry is okay. Writing a poem or paper without a happy ending is okay. Having feelings is okay. Trusting others and talking to them is okay. It's okay not to be okay. You're human too, stop constantly feeling like you have to be strong for everyone else and instead acknowledge the negative feelings and learn to move forward. 
I know you feel like you're living in a different world from everyone else and nobody gets it, but there are people. I know you feel alone, but you're not. I know you feel like you're out of hope and that you're merely existing, but I promise there will be something good around the corner worth living for. I know your scars are a constant reminder that you lost the fight, some you caused, but rather, look at them as proof that God heals; that you went through some crap, but look at you now, kicking extreme butt. I know you didn't get a lot of normal kid experiences, but your life still turns out awesome! Remember to tear down your walls and stop putting on masks.When the psychologist asks to see you more, but you are reluctant because it feels like its only making things worse, go anyway. Most importantly remember that God has this under control. Whenever something happens I always remind myself, "No matter what my future holds, You are God, You, are in control..." Remember to let God have control rather than yourself. 
Always remember my past me, that this is going to be the hardest journey of your life. You're going to face a lot of disappointment and fear, but rather than fearing the future, throw your hands up and enjoy the ride. I promise you'll be screaming you're head off, but you'll love it.

                      Love,
                          the older you. xoxo


      After completing my letter, I realized it was kinda pointless. If I could even send it back in time and give myself this, 1) I probably would've ignored any advice since I was quite a stubborn 12 year old 2) the experiences, the screw ups, the stumbles... they made me who I am today. Am I proud of some of the things I did in the past that I've yet to shed light on? No. But am I semi-happy with the person I am so far? Yep. I'm thankful for the struggles and trials I've faced because they have made me stronger in Christ and I pray that I will continue to grow as a person through my trials. So, if I could send a letter to the me I was 2 years ago, I wouldn't. The way things played out are exactly how it was supposed to go, and I'm thankful for that, Besides, who likes when people spoil books before you've read them anyway?


"Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." - C.S. Lewis


                                   Love,
                                       Meredith Arnold<3