All my life I've been somewhat different from everyone else. While most girls would wear dresses, I wore gym shorts. While most of my friends enjoyed going to the mall, I enjoyed staying home and writing. I never liked boy bands or boys for that matter, and I've always hated the color pink. Though these things are minor it's always made me kind of different. The fact that I'm a Christian also made me extremely different from everyone else.
When I was 5 years old my sister and I made the decision to get baptized, but up until about 2 years ago, I never really understood what it meant to have a true relationship with Christ.
About a year and a half ago in September of 2013, my life changed drastically. On the morning of September 17th, 2013 I woke up to find that my left leg, hip, and lower back were extremely painful, swollen, hard, and purple/blue. Later that night I went to the ER where they did an immediate admission and ran countless blood tests and scans. The next day on September 18th my entire world was flipped upside down. I was diagnosed with blood clots thigh to chest including my entire Inferior Vena Cava (main vein to my heart). I stayed in the hospital for a week in which I had many tests, scans, and procedures. I also had 2 surgeries to try and get rid of the blood clots, but they were unsuccessful and almost killed me. Since the surgery didn't work and there's nothing else they can do to try and fix it, the blood clots remain and from what the doctors said, aren't going anywhere. I survive solely on collaterals (smaller veins my body built) to do the work my main veins can't. I am currently managing well on the highest adult dose of Xarelto (an anti-coagulant). My doctors say that unless there are medical advances my best bet is to continue taking my medicine and nothing getting worse.
Along with that I was also diagnosed with Anti-Phospholipid Syndrome. Anti-Phospholipid Syndome (APS) is an auto-immune disease that causes the immune system to mistakenly attack the blood causing it to abnormally clot. APS is what caused all of the blood clots in my major veins. Along with that I also have tachycardia, Anxiety, OCD, Post Thrombotic Syndrome, Chronic Pain Syndrome, Arthralgia, shifting knee caps, Hyperalgesia, and Neuropathic pain. For about a year I was unable to walk and was on crutches, wheelchair, and a walker. Now, after a lot of physical therapy, braces, and hard work I've regained most mobility.
Being 12 at the time of my diagnosis, and now almost 14, it was and is very hard to deal with, being so young. Being forced to grow up and face things no kid or person should face is hard, and frankly, it sucks. I could no longer go to school or see my friends and I was pretty isolated. I was bed bound, and at that time, on around the clock narcotics which was very hard.
During this time, contrary to what most assumed, i was struggling a lot with my faith. Before I got sick I was the christian girl in the christian school who read my Bible and prayed when I was supposed to and did what I was told, but I never made an effort to have a relationship with Christ. I never pursued Him and His love like I should have.
After I got sick I was very confused. I thought I was doing what God wanted and now here I was in this debilitated state. My mind was everywhere. I had so many questions, but I didn't know who to ask. I started to detach from God and essentially most people in my life. I felt like I had to be strong for everyone since I was constantly told, "As long as you're okay, i'm okay." So, instead of having to constantly put on a brave face for everyone, I started to detach from them. I felt like I had to do that with God, so I pulled away from Him too. The amazing thing I've realized, is that with God, you can come as you are, because He already knows everything you've thought, felt, and done before you were even born, and yet He still died for us. Knowing that God knows every single thing is kind of scary, but also reassuring that He loves us despite it.
I didn't realize this though, so I started resenting God. I resented how much He made me dependent on Him. I resented it all. Only recently have I come to realize that I don't have to be anything other than me because God will still love me. God has gone from 3rd or 4th important in my life to my main priority. Getting to a point where I was able to admit I need God was difficult and definitely a struggle. There have been and are strongholds in my life that God had and is knocking down in my life to deepen my relationship with Him. Through the trials in my life, God has made me dependent on trusting in His will and power, and after fighting it for a long time, I've finally been able to put my trust in God.
So, I'm different. My doctors call me "unique" and an interesting case, my friends call me strange, my family says I'm weird, and they are all 100% correct, but what fun would it be if i was normal.
What is normal anyways? Everyone else? If "normal" in this society is following the crowd, then I'm kinda glad to be the oddball.
This is my life. I honestly have no idea of what compelled me to start a blog. For a while now, God has put on my heart to share my story and His grace with others. Since I suck really bad at public speaking, I'm excited to begin to share the ways God has worked in my life through words. I'm also excited to share a glimpse of my life as a chronically ill teen and be able to share some of my poetry and writing.
So this is my life, It's not perfect, but it's the one I've been given, and i'm so incredibly blessed to have it. I may constantly battle with my health, but God has still blessed me in so many ways.
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"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40: 30-31
In Christian love,
Meredith
Love ya twinnie and can't wAit to read what you post❤️
ReplyDeleteThanks twinnie, I love you too!!<3
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