Welcome!

Hi, my name is Meredith and welcome to my life navigating the confusing world of teenage chronic illness. Trying to balance a regular teenage girl's life amidst surgeries, scans, organ damaging medications, doctors appointments, and not being able to walk for a year has been a bit challenging, but what's life without a little bit of adventure? These are just my incoherent thoughts while battling Anti-Phospholipid Syndrome and several other diseases caused by it for the past 2 years. Through everything I have found family, friends, talking to other sick kids, cats (especially cats... they are like fluffy angels from Heaven) reading, writing, music, and most importantly my faith to be comforting while passing through a world that doesn't understand. Join me as I journey to change the way people see teenage chronic illness and showing Christ's love one oddly written blog post and poem at a time.

A letter to the me I was 2 years ago

Often times I look back to see how far I've come in almost 2 years. I mean, I went from an immature 12 year old who wore sketchers and watched ICarly to a slightly less immature, almost 14 year old who has had to grow up way too fast. I wish I would've had a little more time to enjoy being a child before doctors appointments, surgeries, life or death decisions, and chronic pain came into play, but it didn't work out that way. When I was first diagnosed my head was spinning. It's safe to say that I was kind of a wreck; my whole former life that I had loved for 12 years was ripped away and replaced with this never-ending hell. Sometimes I find myself writing letters to the girl I was 2 years ago, the girl who was just entering into this journey, to myself. Well if I could write a letter to the me of the past it would go something like this:

                                      Dear Me,

             Hi, it's you. I know this is a little strange, you writing you a letter 2 years in the future, but I thought it would be helpful considering whats about to happen in a few months. Here is your survival guide because trust me hun, you'll need it.
     Your former life is about to be ripped away and replaced with something that's not familiar and scary. The cracks and crevices of the foundation you once boldly stepped on is about to be shattered to pieces and everything is going to change. I know how much you fear change and the unknown, and walking into a fight blind and deaf is scary, but I promise it's going to be okay. Learn to accept the changes instead of fighting for constant control. Rather than trying to lean on your strength alone, learn to lean on Jesus' strength. Trust me, it's going to be hard, and I know you don't trust easily and you try so hard not to get attached, but learn to plant your roots in the right things and tear down the walls you confined yourself to. Learn to accept change. I promise you'll be glad you did. 
Your head is spinning right now. "what ifs" and "maybe if we did this sooner" or "what the heck is going on" is running through your brain. I know you don't understand any of this, but you will. You will become a doctor/pharmacist without a diploma soon, and you're going to have to grow up so fast. It's not going to be fair and I would be lying if I said it would be easy. Frankly, it's going to really suck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are so young. I'm sorry you couldn't get to do more before it was all taken away. I'm sorry you're so scared and you're so alone. I'm sorry nobody understands. I'm sorry life has become so complicated. I'm sorry you're so confused. I'm so, so sorry. 

If I could I would probably hug you really tight right now and say it all gets better, but it gets worse before it gets remotely better. What seemed like a pulled muscle escalates to a week in the hospital where you almost die, countless shots, doctors, procedures, scans, and 12 different diagnosis - 6 of which are different types of chronic pain in your legs, hips, knees, and back. Stop blaming yourself for not seeking help when your leg first started hurting, nothing would've changed or helped. Actually, if you could stop beating yourself up for every crappy thing that happens in the world, then that would be great. A tsunami can't be your fault just like your blood and immune system's inability to do anything right isn't your fault.
Be patient. Please be patient. People are going to make some pretty ignorant and rude comments to you, learn to ignore them. They don't understand. When someone says that you're taking your pain medication for a fix or it's all in your head and it's no big deal then train yourself to forget them rather than engaging in conflict. People won't understand what they can't see and they don't understand teenag

e chronic illness, that's not their fault. Rather than getting hurt or angry, educate or ignore. Don't engage. Also, when he purposely kicks your leg to see what happens when you're over at his house and you fall on the ground in extreme pain, stop being so nice and please punch him or something. Okay, you probably shouldn't punch him, but rather than laying their and accepting that, do something. I wouldn't cuss him out or break his tibia or anything (unless you want to, in which i'm totally okay with) rather explain to him in a loving way. Stop constantly letting people run you over. You are so much better than that. I know you had to be in bed for a week because of it and you had a major pain flare, but don't stay upset. Perhaps, I wouldn't hang out with him much more though. 
I know you feel like God has completely abandoned you and went mute but, I promise He didn't. Stop putting on masks and detaching from the world and God, and learn to break down your walls. It's only when the walls are down and the rubble is visible, that God can rebuild you in Him. Start seeking God rather than other useless things.
Also learn to remove toxic relationships, but that doesn't mean remove everyone for your life. Choose wisely. 
Oh, and if you could pace yourself that would be great because the future me or you of tomorrow or next week is paying for your stubbornness. Rather than thinking ten steps ahead, learn to focus on the step right in front of you. I know there seems to be no hope and you can't walk right now, but I promise that one day you will feel the earth beneath your feet. You will walk on stage again. You will feel sand between your toes and grass tickle your feet. You will walk. Just pace yourself before you get yourself killed. I know that walking had gone from the easiest thing in the world to the most difficult, and I wish I could say walking gets easier, but it doesn't. Every step you take will be so hard and wondering how much pain this single step will hold, but you will do it again. The moment you walk out of pt holding your crutches in your hands rather than under your arms your mother will cry and you will be in shock that something you couldn't do for a year is now possible, and it will be the best moment of your life. Hold on to it.
Always remember to enjoy each moment you have on earth because it may not be going how you planned, but it can still be treasured and enjoyed. Remember that it's going exactly how God wants and that's most important. Always remember to keep your eyes focused on God, live each day like it's your last, and appreciate the place you're at because it could always get worse.
Always keep in mind that you don't always have to be strong. Stop constantly pushing down your feelings because all it does it make it worse. Pretty soon that smile you have to cover up how you feel, will fade. Don't be upset about this. Learn to accept that not all moments have to be happy. You have permission to be human, your feelings are valid. When she says, "I thought you were strong." remember that 1) she has no idea what she's talking about and 2) it's okay to show weakness, it means you're human. Crying is okay. Being angry is okay. Writing a poem or paper without a happy ending is okay. Having feelings is okay. Trusting others and talking to them is okay. It's okay not to be okay. You're human too, stop constantly feeling like you have to be strong for everyone else and instead acknowledge the negative feelings and learn to move forward. 
I know you feel like you're living in a different world from everyone else and nobody gets it, but there are people. I know you feel alone, but you're not. I know you feel like you're out of hope and that you're merely existing, but I promise there will be something good around the corner worth living for. I know your scars are a constant reminder that you lost the fight, some you caused, but rather, look at them as proof that God heals; that you went through some crap, but look at you now, kicking extreme butt. I know you didn't get a lot of normal kid experiences, but your life still turns out awesome! Remember to tear down your walls and stop putting on masks.When the psychologist asks to see you more, but you are reluctant because it feels like its only making things worse, go anyway. Most importantly remember that God has this under control. Whenever something happens I always remind myself, "No matter what my future holds, You are God, You, are in control..." Remember to let God have control rather than yourself. 
Always remember my past me, that this is going to be the hardest journey of your life. You're going to face a lot of disappointment and fear, but rather than fearing the future, throw your hands up and enjoy the ride. I promise you'll be screaming you're head off, but you'll love it.

                      Love,
                          the older you. xoxo


      After completing my letter, I realized it was kinda pointless. If I could even send it back in time and give myself this, 1) I probably would've ignored any advice since I was quite a stubborn 12 year old 2) the experiences, the screw ups, the stumbles... they made me who I am today. Am I proud of some of the things I did in the past that I've yet to shed light on? No. But am I semi-happy with the person I am so far? Yep. I'm thankful for the struggles and trials I've faced because they have made me stronger in Christ and I pray that I will continue to grow as a person through my trials. So, if I could send a letter to the me I was 2 years ago, I wouldn't. The way things played out are exactly how it was supposed to go, and I'm thankful for that, Besides, who likes when people spoil books before you've read them anyway?


"Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." - C.S. Lewis


                                   Love,
                                       Meredith Arnold<3

Why do we fall?

Today I met with one of my doctors. It was a little bit strange, and than she confirmed that I had yet another health issue along with the other 11. I have been struggling a lot lately and this was the last straw for me. I was really upset and confused. After driving around in the car for an hour listening to the radio and having a banana nut muffin, I feel a little bit better, but throughout the day I have been wondering why things constantly had to change and get worse. Why would a loving God allow all of this to happen? Why do we fall..?
Well, I still haven't come up with the perfect answer, but I came up with a couple reasons as to possibly why God allows us to struggle.

Our struggles give us the chance to depend on and trust God:
       When life is going great we don't seem to trust God or pray as much. We feel as if we are on top of the world and nothing can hurt us. When we fall I believe it gives us a much needed reality check and the chance to learn to trust in Him and His grace. God also may make us fall so we can find our true source of strength - Him. It's a really scary step to take (especially if you have problems trusting people like I do) but in the end it's all worth it because you get a never ending peace and assurance. God is amazing and loves all of you, and will always hold you and see you through. You were bought at the price of His blood, so He's not going to die for you then abandon you. Having to put my faith and trust in God was hard for me, and I'd be lying if I said that I don't still struggle with it today, but in the end no matter how much you resent it at first, it's all so worth it. Are you going to take that first leap?

Trials can make us long for something greater than this world has to offer:
    When I went through what I did with the ups and downs of my health and some things in my childhood, it made me push away from Jesus. At the same time it also made me long for Him and long for something greater. When crap happens it often makes me want something more - some kind of peace and happiness this world can't offer. Once I actually tried to grow in my faith with Christ I started to realize how much I needed Him and how much greater He is compared to our struggles. I know that despite the struggles I want Jesus' relentless love rather than anything the world has to offer. This world will fail and crumple to the ground, but God never will. The world will knock us down, but God has something so much greater in store for us, if we only long for Him.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Struggling can make us more Christlike:
 Becoming like Christ is one of the most important things for a Christian to do. For some it can be a pretty straight forward process, but for others (including me) it may take a lot of growth and trials that lead us more toward the straight and narrow. When we struggle it doesn't mean God hates us, it means He loves us enough to push us in the right direction - even if that means we have to suffer some. God hates to see us suffer, but if He knows it's best for us then He will allow us to. One of the main goals is to become like Christ and reflect His image. Christ suffered. Christ suffered unimaginable agony on the cross for us, if He can go through that for us then the things we go through seem minuscule. I know that doesn't help, but think about it - Jesus said in John that a servant is no greater than His master. Which means us being the servant, are no greater than Jesus, the master (obviously) and may have to struggle, but He also says, fear not I have overcome the world! Our struggles can offer so much growth in Christ if we let it. It may not always seem fair, but God has a plan for the suffering, even if we can't see it at first.

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." - James 1:2-3 

The point is, sometimes we fall so we can be built back up stronger in Christ. It's not because of karma or because God hates us, but because God loves us enough to set us straight. I will probably do another blog on this eventually.
 I'm doing better now. Today was absolutely insane, but my mom always knows how to make days like these less crappy. We just got done riding on back roads listening to music for an hour, now we are going to my favorite spaghetti place and the park. Always remember that God doesn't have us fall than leave us. He will always see you through.
God never shuts one door without opening another!


 Praying for each one of you always!
                                             xoxo
                                                 Meredith

Just your not so average teenage girl.

Hi. My name is Meredith Arnold. I'm just your not so average, 13 year old girl from North Carolina. I have two wonderful parents and a twin sister named Madeline, and I have a passion for reading, writing, fuzzy socks, and cats.

All my life I've been somewhat different from everyone else. While most girls would wear dresses, I wore gym shorts. While most of my friends enjoyed going to the mall, I enjoyed staying home and writing. I never liked boy bands or boys for that matter, and I've always hated the color pink. Though these things are minor it's always made me kind of different. The fact that I'm a Christian also made me extremely different from everyone else.

When I was 5 years old my sister and I made the decision to get baptized, but up until about 2 years ago, I never really understood what it meant to have a true relationship with Christ. 

About a year and a half ago in September of 2013, my life changed drastically. On the morning of September 17th, 2013 I woke up to find that my left leg, hip, and lower back were extremely painful, swollen, hard, and purple/blue. Later that night I went to the ER where they did an immediate admission and ran countless blood tests and scans. The next day on September 18th my entire world was flipped upside down. I was diagnosed with blood clots thigh to chest including my entire Inferior Vena Cava (main vein to my heart). I stayed in the hospital for a week in which I had many tests, scans, and procedures. I also had 2 surgeries to try and get rid of the blood clots, but they were unsuccessful and almost killed me. Since the surgery didn't work and there's nothing else they can do to try and fix it, the blood clots remain and from what the doctors said, aren't going anywhere. I survive solely on collaterals (smaller veins my body built) to do the work my main veins can't. I am currently managing well on the highest adult dose of Xarelto (an anti-coagulant). My doctors say that unless there are medical advances my best bet is to continue taking my medicine and nothing getting worse. 

Along with that I was also diagnosed with Anti-Phospholipid Syndrome. Anti-Phospholipid Syndome (APS) is an auto-immune disease that causes the immune system to mistakenly attack the blood causing it to abnormally clot. APS is what caused all of the blood clots in my major veins. Along with that I also have tachycardia, Anxiety, OCD, Post Thrombotic Syndrome, Chronic Pain Syndrome, Arthralgia, shifting knee caps, Hyperalgesia, and Neuropathic pain. For about a year I was unable to walk and was on crutches, wheelchair, and a walker. Now, after a lot of physical therapy, braces, and hard work I've regained most mobility.

Being 12 at the time of my diagnosis, and now almost 14, it was and is very hard to deal with, being so young. Being forced to grow up and face things no kid or person should face is hard, and frankly, it sucks. I could no longer go to school or see my friends and I was pretty isolated. I was bed bound, and at that time, on around the clock narcotics which was very hard.

During this time, contrary to what most assumed, i was struggling a lot with my faith. Before I got sick I was the christian girl in the christian school who read my Bible and prayed when I was supposed to and did what I was told, but I never made an effort to have a relationship with Christ. I never pursued Him and His love like I should have. 

After I got sick I was very confused. I thought I was doing what God wanted and now here I was in this debilitated state. My mind was everywhere. I had so many questions, but I didn't know who to ask. I started to detach from God and essentially most people in my life. I felt like I had to be strong for everyone since I was constantly told, "As long as you're okay, i'm okay." So, instead of having to constantly put on a brave face for everyone, I started to detach from them. I felt like I had to do that with God, so I pulled away from Him too. The amazing thing I've realized, is that with God, you can come as you are, because He already knows everything you've thought, felt, and done before you were even born, and yet He still died for us. Knowing that God knows every single thing is kind of scary, but also reassuring that He loves us despite it. 

I didn't realize this though, so I started resenting God. I resented how much He made me dependent on Him. I resented it all. Only recently have I come to realize that I don't have to be anything other than me because God will still love me. God has gone from 3rd or  4th important in my life to my main priority. Getting to a point where I was able to admit I need God was difficult and definitely a struggle. There have been and are strongholds in my life that God had and is knocking down in my life to deepen my relationship with Him. Through the trials in my life, God has made me dependent on trusting in His will and power, and after fighting it for a long time, I've finally been able to put my trust in God. 

So, I'm different. My doctors call me "unique" and an interesting case, my friends call me strange, my family says I'm weird, and they are all 100% correct, but what fun would it be if i was normal.

What is normal anyways? Everyone else? If "normal" in this society is following the crowd, then I'm kinda glad to be the oddball. 

This is my life. I honestly have no idea of what compelled me to start a blog. For a while now, God has put on my heart to share my story and His grace with others. Since I suck really bad at public speaking, I'm excited to begin to share the ways God has worked in my life through words. I'm also excited to share a glimpse of my life as a chronically ill teen and be able to share some of my poetry and writing. 

So this is my life, It's not perfect, but it's the one I've been given, and i'm so incredibly blessed to have it. I may constantly battle with my health, but God has still blessed me in so many ways. 

-

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40: 30-31

                                                       In Christian love,

                                                            Meredith